What to write in an apology card

A real apology has three parts and no fourth: what you did, that you understand why it mattered, and what you will do differently. The fourth part — the explanation — is what turns an apology into a defence, and it is the reason most of them fail. Say it plainly, don’t ask to be forgiven in the same breath, and let them answer in their own time.

Warm

Friendly, unfussy, safe with almost anybody.

• I’m sorry. I got it wrong and I’d like to put it right.
• I owe you an apology, and here it is, with no excuse attached.
• I’m sorry. You deserved better from me.
• This comes with an open hand. I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry — I’ve been thinking about it, and you were right.

Funny

A joke with affection behind it. Read the room first.

• I’m sorry. In my defence — no, actually, there isn’t one.
• This card is an apology and a white flag.
• I’m sorry. I’d blame the week, but it was me.
• Consider this a formal retraction of my entire behaviour.
• I’m sorry. I have been informed, correctly, that I was being impossible.

Heartfelt

For the people you would actually say this to out loud.

• I’m sorry. I know it hurt, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
• You matter more to me than being right did. I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry — for the thing itself, and for how long it took me to say so.
• I’d rather fix this than win it. I’m sorry.
• No excuses. I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I’d like to do better.

Simple

When short is the right answer, and it often is.

• I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry — truly.
• My apologies, sincerely.
• I got it wrong. I’m sorry.
• Sorry. I mean it.

What to avoid

• Don’t write “I’m sorry if” or “I’m sorry you felt”. Both make it their fault.
• Don’t explain yourself. An explanation inside an apology reads as a defence.
• Don’t ask to be forgiven in the same card. Apologise, then wait.
• Don’t make a joke if the thing was serious. Humour is a way of asking them to let you off.