How to apologise in a card

A written apology has one advantage over a spoken one: they can read it when they are ready, and read it twice. It also has one trap — you have time to explain yourself, and explaining is what ruins it. A real apology has three parts and no fourth: what you did, that you understand why it mattered, and what will be different. Everything after that is you asking to feel better.

Warm

Friendly, unfussy, safe with almost anybody.

• I got this wrong, and I’d like to put it right.
• I owe you an apology and I’m not going to dress it up. I’m sorry.
• I’ve been thinking about it, and you were right. I’m sorry.
• This is me, with an open hand. I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry — and I’d rather fix it than be right about it.

Funny

A joke with affection behind it. Read the room first.

• I’m sorry. I had a defence prepared and then I read it back.
• This card is an apology, a white flag and a promise of better behaviour.
• I’m sorry. I was, on reflection, insufferable.
• Consider my position formally withdrawn.
• I’m sorry. I’d blame the week but it was entirely me.

Heartfelt

For the people you would actually say this to out loud.

• I’m sorry. I know it hurt, and I’m not going to pretend it didn’t.
• You matter more to me than winning that did. I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry — for what I did, and for how long it took me to say it.
• I’d like to do better, and I know that’s something to show rather than say.
• No excuses. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m here when you’re ready.

Simple

When short is the right answer, and it often is.

• I’m sorry.
• I was wrong. I’m sorry.
• My apologies — sincerely.
• I’m sorry. Truly.
• Sorry. I mean it.

What to avoid

• Never write “I’m sorry if” or “I’m sorry you felt”. Both hand the fault back to them.
• Don’t explain. An explanation inside an apology reads as a defence, however reasonable it is.
• Don’t ask for forgiveness in the same card. Apologise, then wait — the waiting is part of it.
• Don’t make them reassure you. “I’m the worst” turns your apology into their job.